I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
