it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
