wakey wakey hands off snakey
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
