Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
