Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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