I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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