He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
