A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
