benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
