You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
