His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
