Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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