I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
