apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
