I cannot find my penis.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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