everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
