I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
