I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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