if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
