I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
