he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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