I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
