im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
