Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
