Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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