Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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