At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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