how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
