Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
