The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
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no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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