ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
