Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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