it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
