What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
