Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
