Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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