but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
