maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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