I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
