I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
