I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
tell me about the eggs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
