Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
