my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
