O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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