So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
