My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
