youre lurking in front of me
someone owes me an orgasm
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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