bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
