i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
