Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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