I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
