when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
