I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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