It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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