One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
