You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
