Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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