Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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