I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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