Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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